


on the morning i woke up without you for the first time

by d4redevils



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Songfic, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25366414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/d4redevils/pseuds/d4redevils
Summary: On the morning when I woke up without you for the first timeI felt free, and I felt lonely, and I felt scared
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	on the morning i woke up without you for the first time

**Author's Note:**

> The title and description are from the song Woke Up New by The Mountain Goats, which is what inspired this fic!

The Ghost was quiet that morning. Everyone had woken early to busy themselves, hoping to take their minds off the previous night. Everyone except Hera. They had returned to the base on Lothal late, and Hera—unable to go back to the Ghost just yet—stood on the cliffside, staring at the vast expanse of plains Lothal held. When she could barely hold herself up anymore, Chopper dragged her back to the Ghost and made sure she got into bed where she fell into a restless sleep.

Hera hadn’t realized she was awake at first; an emptiness filled her chest as she lay in her bed staring up at the ceiling. The first thing she was aware of was the empty space next to her. Then she noticed the chilling quiet. Unused to the silence, Hera strained here ears trying to hear something—anything—but was only met with the faint noises of the Ghost’s computers. 

Forcing herself to sit up, Hera took a deep breath, but she didn’t feel the air enter her lungs. She felt like she was floating in a limbo between feeling anything and being completely numb. The numbness began to dissolve only to be replaced with fear and loneliness. As if on autopilot, she stood up and drifted to the common room to make herself a cup of caf, hoping to keep her mind from drifting to any thoughts of last night. She knew she had to acknowledge what happened, but she couldn’t bear it just yet.

Turning the caf machine on, she hugged her arms close to her, hugging herself and breathing slowly. Every time her eyes closed, she was stricken with the painful image of blue eyes staring back at her. Blue eyes full of determination. Blue eyes that knew what they were doing. Blue eyes that were full of love. Blue eyes that said goodbye.

Unknowingly, Hera grabbed Kanan’s usual caf mug and filled it to the brim; somewhere in the back of her mind, however, she knew she wasn’t going to drink any of it. Her body felt like it was on fire, as if the blast followed her home and didn’t want to let her go, but she wrapped her hands around the mug trying to absorb the warmth the caf provided. After a few hours that only felt like minutes, she stood up and poured the undrunk caf down the sink. She leaned over the sink, gripping the countertop until her knuckles became a light green. Tears streamed down her cheeks while she coughed up silent sobs. 

When her eyes stopped producing tears and her body stopped shaking, she took a breath and held it until she felt steady once more. Logically, she should have expected this; they were at war and it was not uncommon for loved ones to die. She wanted to chastise herself for falling into the comfort of all their successes and forgetting that they weren’t invincible. A broken chuckle escaped her with the thought that this was just like Kanan; sacrificing himself to protect the ones he loved. 

Wiping her face dry, Hera stood up straighter and tried to gain some semblance of composure. What Hera wanted to do was to curl back into bed and let the world fade away, however she knew she couldn’t do that. She had to be General Syndulla, people were counting on her to help them win their freedom. Kanan was counting on her.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! Comments and kudos are always appreciated, and if you liked this feel free to follow me on twitter @1SHMAELS


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